The loneliest guy at Murder, Inc.
British thespian Paul Bettany plays Silas, an “albino monk assassin,” in the new film The da Vinci Code.
Am I the only one who reads the phrase “albino monk assassin” and wonders whether it’s an albino monk who kills people, or a person who kills albino monks? If it’s the latter, he’s gotta be the loneliest guy since the Maytag repairman…
[RING]
AMA: Albino monk assassin.
Caller: Yeah, I need this guy knocked off.
AMA: Is he an albino monk?
Caller: Ah, no…
AMA: Sorry, can’t help you.
[CLICK]
[RING]
AMA: Albino monk assassin.
Caller: Yeah, I need a guy taken out.
AMA: Is he an albino monk?
Caller: Actually, I think he’s agnostic.
AMA: Sorry, can’t help you.
[CLICK]
[RING]
AMA: Albino monk assassin.
Caller: Yeah, I need you to kill this monk.
AMA: Is he albino?
Caller: Well, he has a pretty light complexion…
AMA: Hey, Mister, what part of “albino monk assassin” don’t you understand?
Caller: Man, couldn’t you be a little flexible on this? I’ll pay extra.
AMA: Dude, if I started hitting non-albino non-monks, my shop steward would jump down my throat and pull out my heart!
Caller: Take it easy, dude…
AMA: Hey, it’s not like I don’t have time to take the job. Most days I just sit around in the monastery chanting and cleaning my guns. Don’t you think I’d LIKE to kill an occasional dark-haired Protestant? But I’m a specialist, man, A SPECIALIST!
Caller: Sorry, man.
AMA: No problem.
[CLICK]
[RING]
AMA: Albino monk assassin.
Caller: Yeah, we have this white capuchin in our yard that we’d like to get rid of.
AMA: What did I just say? I’m an albino monk assassin.
Caller: Oh, sorry, I was trying to find an albino monkey assassin. I guess the Yellow Pages got stuck together.
AMA: I know, it happens all the time.
[CLICK]
[RING]
AMA: Albino monk assassin.
Caller: I need you to kill a monk for me. His name’s Brother Bardhosh…
AMA: “Bardhosh?” I don’t…oh, you need an Albanian monk assassin.
Caller: Duh! Yeah, you’re right.
AMA: Hold one second, I’ll transfer you to that department.
Caller: Thanks, you’ve been very helpful.
AMA: Glad to help–good luck with your hit.
[HOLD MUSIC]